Our Blog

Back to all posts
  • April's Fools

    April's Fools

    K. Pfaltz

    Sometimes it's better to get out in the world and talk directly to people about choice of beverage, rather than rely on what the pundits say. So, we checked in with a few folks.

    Donald Trump – “Favorite Wine? Clos de Tart. Clos means WALL in French! Walled vineyards protect the grapes from theft from immigrants!! Keep the infidels out! And the Zinfandels! Tart? Talk to my lawyers.”

    Michael Cohen - “He's a liar. He doesn't drink wine. Try Diet Coke. He wouldn't know a burgundy if it sued him for fake news. And a clos is not technically a wall. Never trust a man who doesn't drink wine. Or, er, Glenlivet 12 on the rocks.”

    Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – “I prefer the A.O.C. wines of France to the D.O.C. wines of Italy.”

    Bernie Sanders – “Universal Health Care for all wine makers!”

    R. Kelly - “I like young wines.”

    Ralph Northam - “In Med School, I liked the black wine of Cahors. Now, I stick to white Zinfandel.”

    Mike Pence - “Alcohol?”

    Sarah Palin - “Gosh-darn-it, the maverick wine!”

    Tina Fey - “Gosh-darn-it, the maverick wine! Hah. And we thought life was crazy then. I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less.”

    RuPaul and Laverne Cox (Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart, etc.) - “Rosé, honey. Rosé is gender-fluid, non-binary, polyamorphous and polysexual. Think of rosé as your Genderqueer, tranny best friend.”

    Kim Jong Un - “Rocket red and nuclear white.”

    Theresa May - “I used to like the wines of France and Germany. Because of global warming and...other things, I declare English wine the best.”

    Rhianna - “Let's talk accessories and wine glasses to go! House of Fenty.”

    Gwyneth Paltrow - “I'm going to be very loving and non-judgmental about my favorite wine. It would naturally be an organic, biodynamic and somewhat Goopy wine. And I love to consciously pair it with zucchini blossoms from my garden. Sometimes the wine and I uncouple but that would be the next morning.”

    Grandpa - “In my day, we didn't have 3,262 different wines in shmancy Whole Foodie shops; we made our own blackberry wine and it was just fine.”

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders - “Not taking questions today on glyphosates in wines. I can't communicate on specific wine preferences.”

    Elon Musk - “There's wine on Mars. Zombie Apocalypse wine.”

    Al Gore - “I invented wine.”

    Jeff Bezos - “I see you bought HQ2 red before. Perhaps you'd also like Alexa Rosé.”

    Sean Hannity – “I'm loyal to older whites, with a tinge of orange.”

    Trump - “I changed my mind. No tart and wall wines. The loser French stomp those grapes with there (sic) feet. SAD. The white Russian is my go-to of choice.”

    Dom Perignon - “Brothers, brothers, come quickly; the fools are overtaking the earth!”

    Join us for Wednesday Wine Tasting with guest speaker, Lady Gaga, as she discusses Grigio Girls, her new line of wines. The venue for this is Wintergreen True Value Hardware. Glam-rock attire suggested.