April Fool's Columns
April’s Fools Columns over the years
By Kay Pfaltz
Grape Varieties – April’s Fool
Before I jump to our juicy topic, I’ll advise that the Surgeon General has issued a warning that reading this article may be hazardous to your sensibilities. End of disclaimer…but beginning of digression: In Europe there are no Surgeon General warning labels aback bottles of wine. Pregnant and nursing women do not need to be told what and what not to drink because they know. And don’t you think that most people also know not to rush off to operate the forklift or backhoe while intoxicated?
Last month I introduced varietals and I continue this month with some hybrids and crosses…it’s spring after all and cross pollination is in the air. Cross pollination occurs when grapes get perturbed with their partners (this is called “Grapes of Wrath”) and decide to experiment with other varieties. Cabernet Sauvignon thus spawns Cabernet Saubinthere, as in “so been there,” and usually applied to last grape-mate. You see this grape consumed at sorority and fraternity parties. It’s cheap, high in alcohol and often leaves the imbibees stating “Oh my god, like, I have so been there,” (hence the homonymic name) as they watch their friends succumb to porcelain artifacts. Occasionally this varietal will mutate into Cabernet Saupenthere as in “Careful, there’s soap in there,” which I’d think would be preferable, but never mind. Cabernet Saubinthere - $2.99 bottle. Currently Out of Stock. Substitute Napa Creek Cabernet Sauvignon – At $15 this Cabernet is hard to beat, with smooth tannins and pronounced notes of cassis and black berry.
Grape varietals also often aspire to be more than their stature on the vine (these are called “Grape Expectations”), then sometimes there is just no rhyme or raison to what they do. There is, however, conclusive evidence that wine in moderation benefits health. Some varietals ward off mental illness. There’s Moscophilero from Greece which sounds more like a fancy insect’s larvae or an insidious disease than it does a grape variety. But nevertheless it’s said to help ameliorate Alzheimer’s disease. Maybe because in Greece wine is drunk all day beginning with breakfast, and by the end of the day it’s difficult to tell who’s mentally unstable and who’s just drunk. A good little test: Since it’s said that one in every four people is mentally ill, look at your three best friends. If they’re okay, it’s you.
Most people have heard of Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris (Pinot Grigio in Italy), Pinot Blanc and Pinot Meunier. The many Pinots came about because Pinot Noir is a grape prone to mutation. The varietal you may not be as familiar with is Pinot More a grape which acts as a diuretic and is currently fashionable with seniors. A glass before bedtime does wonders to cut down trips to the loo. Three or more glasses will help you age disgracefully. Pinot More - $2.99. Currently Out Of Stock. Try instead Domaine Weinbach’s Pinot Blanc – Aromas of lime blossom, lime, cinnamon, nutmeg, and almonds. It’s a stunning wine, and it’s bio-dynamic. $23.
In the end it’s all just a joke and berry silly, in fact Bordeauxing on the ridiculous, and we’re all a bunch of corks. Once again, happy April’s Fool. Next month we return to learning about true grape varietals.
The Secret:
Special Wines of April
Since few people are able to imbibe the splendors of many of the wines I take for granted, let me share with you, however vicariously, some very special ones.
Boone’s Farm, non-vintage – Purple iris and violet aromas greet you on the first nose, while the second nose calls to mind strawberry and candy notes, and the third nose just smells like alcohol. This is a lighter wine to be enjoyed during spring and summer, and at breakfast. I suggest serving it with light fare such as cheese whiz, spam or any potted meats. Pickled eggs will tend to bring out the oxidized characteristics, so please avoid.
M.D. 20/20 – (Known in elite circles as Mad Dog 20/20.) Full-bodied and complex, it exhibits aromas of red fruits, cherry and sugar. Blood red chromatic intensity prelude to very intense nose which, besides the varietal descriptors, adds earthy, sugary notes, cigarette and hashish. In the mouth, it is not immense but fresh and silky, with an enveloping, refreshing fruitiness supported towards the finish by a good alcoholic scheme. Candied plum aromas, complemented by cotton candy and funnel cake accents. Roberto Parks of The Wino Advocate describes this wine as, “A big, full, brash wine [which] raced for each corner of our palates, gushing oranges, golden raisons, brandied cherries, licorice, mint, maple sugar, a tad of toffee, and a little high fructose corn syrup.” A wine to put down for a while (1-2 weeks). I suggest pairing it with more hearty dishes such as possum stew. I get mine from the side of the road. Free-range is healthier for you. If you can’t catch a possum, sewer rat, either braised or breaded, will also pair nicely.
Wild Irish Rose, non-vintage – Fresh cherry, blueberry, cranberry, and apple bubblegum flavors, perked up by suggestions of five-spice powder, anise and Oreos Doublestuff. Fleshy and sweet, with good depth to the fruit flavors. The slight Kool-Aid notes do not overwhelm. Powerful, ripe aromas of dark berry liqueur with a good dose of vanilla oak, and just a little bit of chocolate oak. Very long on the finish, with a palate-saturating flavor of Bailey’s Irish Cream and Cassis. Great length and palate coverage. “A towering skyscraper in the mouth without being heavy or disjoined,” says Roberto. I suspect that this fruit-driven wine will drink well young. Pair with Vienna sausages.
Thunderbird – Rated 98 points by The Wino Advocate. The terroir of red clay and discarded beer cans reflects in the mineral and briny aromas and flavors of this wine with finesse and elegance. The long, “sweet and sour” (but without the pork) finish features supple tannins. A bold, but unobtrusive wine. As one wine writer wrote, this is a “good mountain stream that could one day become a long peaceful river.” But don’t age it that long. I’d say thirty minutes max. Pair with pork rinds or Slim Jims.
Poisson d’Avril.
April's Fools
Sometimes it's better to get out in the world and talk directly to people about choice of beverage, rather than rely on what the pundits say. So, we checked in with a few folks.
Donald Trump – “Favorite Wine? Clos de Tart. Clos means WALL in French! Walled vineyards protect the grapes from theft from immigrants!! Keep the infidels out! And the Zinfandels! Tart? Talk to my lawyers.”
Michael Cohen - “He's a liar. He doesn't drink wine. Try Diet Coke. He wouldn't know a burgundy if it sued him for fake news. And a clos is not technically a wall. Never trust a man who doesn't drink wine. Or, er, Glenlivet 12 on the rocks.”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – “I prefer the A.O.C. wines of France to the D.O.C. wines of Italy.”
Bernie Sanders – “Universal Health Care for all wine makers!”
R. Kelly - “I like young wines.”
Ralph Northam - “In Med School, I liked the black wine of Cahors. Now, I stick to white Zinfandel.”
Mike Pence - “Alcohol?”
Sarah Palin - “Gosh-darn-it, the maverick wine!”
Tina Fey - “Gosh-darn-it, the maverick wine! Hah. And we thought life was crazy then. I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less.”
RuPaul and Laverne Cox (Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart, etc.) - “Rosé, honey. Rosé is gender-fluid, non-binary, polyamorphous and polysexual. Think of rosé as your Genderqueer, tranny best friend.”
Kim Jong Un - “Rocket red and nuclear white.”
Theresa May - “I used to like the wines of France and Germany. Because of global warming and...other things, I declare English wine the best.”
Rhianna - “Let's talk accessories and wine glasses to go! House of Fenty.”
Gwyneth Paltrow - “I'm going to be very loving and non-judgmental about my favorite wine. It would naturally be an organic, biodynamic and somewhat Goopy wine. And I love to consciously pair it with zucchini blossoms from my garden. Sometimes the wine and I uncouple but that would be the next morning.”
Grandpa - “In my day, we didn't have 3,262 different wines in shmancy Whole Foodie shops; we made our own blackberry wine and it was just fine.”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders - “Not taking questions today on glyphosates in wines. I can't communicate on specific wine preferences.”
Elon Musk - “There's wine on Mars. Zombie Apocalypse wine.”
Al Gore - “I invented wine.”
Jeff Bezos - “I see you bought HQ2 red before. Perhaps you'd also like Alexa Rosé.”
Sean Hannity – “I'm loyal to older whites, with a tinge of orange.”
Trump - “I changed my mind. No tart and wall wines. The loser French stomp those grapes with there (sic) feet. SAD. The white Russian is my go-to of choice.”
Dom Perignon - “Brothers, brothers, come quickly; the fools are overtaking the earth!”
Join us for Wednesday Wine Tasting with guest speaker, Lady Gaga, as she discusses Grigio Girls, her new line of wines. The venue for this is Wintergreen True Value Hardware. Glam-rock attire suggested.
April Fool
Kay Pfaltz has been writing the April Fools column faithfully and foolishly for more than a decade, and this year decided to turn it over to someone more qualified, guest columnist, D.J. Dump, while she heads to France.
Dear American consumers, I don’t drink wine. Never had a drink. That’s right, not one. And let me tell you, people ask me, and they ask me a lot, how can you rate wine if you don’t drink? I’m gonna tell you that not having any experience in something is not a reason you can’t do it. Not a reason. Okay? Believe me. If they say you can’t do it, they’re losers. Real losers. If there is hope for me, there is grope, I mean hope, for you, too.
Wine snobs, what do they know? I’ll let you in on a secret, they’re a bunch of elites who couldn’t get a real job. That’s right, couldn’t get a real job. French wine is no good. I promise you. Just stay away from it. Stay away. Okay? Because why? Because France is all immigrants. Ninety-nine percent. No, really, I’m telling you. It’s the truth. Don’t drink French wine.
From this day forward it’s going to be only American wine first. American wine, that’s right. Drink American wine. It’s great. Really, really great. Great stuff. You’ll love it. I promise. Virginia wine is the best of all. One Virginia winery in particular. The winner of all. Hands down winner. But I can’t write about that one here. I know, ridiculous. Totally ridiculous. Great stuff, Virginia wine. Absolutely the best you’ve ever tasted. Ever. It’s just beautiful. I promise you. Go out and buy some right now. You don’t have to drink it. In fact, don’t drink it. Look at the Italians. Look at their economy. Disaster. They’re drinking all day long. Who cares if they’re happy? Are they rich? And the Spanish. Total disaster. And the French. What a complete and total mess.
I can make wine better than anyone else. I have a plan to make the very, very best wine you’ve ever tasted. I have many, many plans. In fact plans you don’t even know about will be devised because I’m going to come up with a plan to make the best wine, beautiful, beautiful wine, that will be so good.
I will tell you at the time.
The facts: White wine is best. Red wine is fine, too. Better than blue. Want a real drink? White Russians are good.
Zinfandel- What I’ve been saying! Keep the infidels out. And the Zinfandels. They want in? Not going to happen. Pinot Noir – Pee-no, what kind of a name is that? Bathroom humour. Ridiculous. Use the bathroom of your gender at birth. “Noir”. French for black. I told you, stay away from France. They speak French, not English. Huge mistake. Yuge. We saved their butts. Twice. Not going to happen anymore. Pinot Grigio – “Grigio.” Sounds like a creature from the swamp. Clean it up!
I don’t care what you’ve heard, I don’t drink orange wine. It’s a lie! Total scumbag lie. Tequila - Worst of all. I’m telling you, the very, very worst. Virginian wine is the greatest in the world. It’s great. Just great. Okay? Buy some today.
3 AM: Tweet, Tweet, tweet @happy April’s Fools from one who would know.